Tag Archives: writer life

THE Fishtrap post

So clearly I ran out of steam when it came to Fishtrap live-blogging. It wasn’t for a lack of things to write about; instead, there was a lot to pack into the day so that by 10 pm when I got home, I’d had enough and just wanted to vege out.

But it was a different type of intensity from going to a weekend science fiction convention. At the cons, I’m usually rushing to meet people, rushing to do panels/signing/reading, rushing to catch something in the dealer’s room before it goes away. No rush at Fishtrap, not really. All of us weeklong participants had morning three-hour workshops to attend. Then the afternoon panel or presentation, followed by open mic readings, followed by faculty readings after dinner. With a couple of exceptions, everyone went to the workshops, while not everyone went to the panels/presentations/readings (or at least every one). That meant the pace was slower to begin with.

The other big difference was that this was a forum to discuss craft, not business. There was only one editor from one press present; the rest of us were equally all writers. Now business did start creeping into discussions later on in the week, but for the most part we were focused on craft. It was about us being writers, not selling our writing.

Then most workshops had some sort of daily writing work. I think my workshop–the Uncanny, with Marjorie Sandor–had the most writing involved, but everyone was working on some sort of writing assignment throughout the week. My workshop had three evening writing assignments (as well as reading assignments), as well as several in-class assignments. None of the writing work was finished product but I definitely left with either starts or ideas for something like six or seven short stories or essays, as well as ideas for worldbuilding and structure for Netwalking Space.

Most of all, it was about words, and writing, and thinking about writing. Robert Michael Pyle has been a favored nature writer of mine for Wintergreen and The Dark Divide, but after this past week talking to Bob and listening to his keynote speech and listening to his prose and poems, I think he’s now my favorite living nature writer. We shared a thrill over pretty book covers (he liked the Beyond Honor cover), and talked a wee bit about the Klone’s Folly story I’m still developing. I didn’t know about Marjorie Sandor before this Fishtrap, but by golly I’m definitely a fan now. She is one of the best critique leaders I’ve worked with and her insights into the uncanny helped me pinpoint some developments in Netwalking Space. Plus she has written the best damn and uncanny second person present tense story EVER. Joe Wilkins turned me onto short prose poems, and Justin Hocking made me think about the power of lists in my writing. There were many more faculty members who shared lots of gems.

In any case, I took detailed notes during our workshops because Marjorie came up with observational gems including looking at expanding stories in the unplumbed gaps within scenes–instead of writing more and longer, she talked about going into various hot spots of the pieces we wrote and expanding those sections within what we’ve already written to make it longer. Lots of good stuff. I’ve gone back through those notes already with a highlighter, to help me identify key points.

But even though the flow is a different pacing from that of a three or four day con, there were still some similarities, just more subdued. Con glaze didn’t hit until day five of seven. And imposter syndrome set in about day four. However, unlike at a convention, while I was sitting in a swing between two trees looking up at the steep slope of one end of Chief Joseph Mountain and thinking imposter syndrome thoughts, a woman who had heard me read here in Enterprise back in December came up to me and complemented me on my reading then. We talked, and it came out that she also was feeling a touch of imposter syndrome. So we shared, reassured, and moved beyond that brief attack of imposter world.

Bob Pyle’s keynote speech warmed the cockles of my activist heart. I couldn’t get all of his good stuff, but here’s a few paraphrases of what he said:

* When fences and frontiers become one and the same, that’s when we get sealed off from each other.

* Walls haven’t worked in the past–why will Trump’s wall be any different?

* The walls between people and nature are as toxic as the wall Trump would build.

* When we think of nature as something other than us, that sets up a wall.

* There is no “nature writing”– it is all natural and environmental writing

* Natural does not mean good–natural just is.

* Most things can’t be easily divided, which is why most walls break down.

* It is only our silence that allows divisions to remain.

One panel discussed memoir and the differences between memoir and autobiography, with some good insights there. But rather than go on longer, maybe I’ll put those observations in another post. Or not, as the case may be.

One thing that I did definitely notice was the high ability level of most of the participants. Most people I talked to were writing at the intermediate or advanced level, with some sort of publishing history or professional writing background. Not saying that beginners wouldn’t benefit from this workshop, but it would definitely be of more value to someone at the intermediate or advanced levels. A fair share of attendees either had an MFA, were in the middle of getting their MFA, or were starting a program.

Would I go again? Heck yes. My stated goal at the beginning of this conference was to learn ways to take my writing to the next level. I think that has succeeded–or at least, we shall see if it has. For one brief moment I toyed with the idea of getting a MFA myself…and then sanity returned. That said, I am definitely keeping an eye out for more conferences and workshops like this to attend–both in and out of genre. I learned a lot by moving outside of the speculative fiction genre gatherings, and I think there’s more to be learned. My “to-read” pile has grown by quite a bit…and I have some things to think about.

Marks of a successful con, for certain.

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Fishtrap, Day 2.5

Whew. Now that I’ve somewhat recovered from the Incident, I can attempt to come up with a semi-coherent and possibly flowing description of Fishtrap so far.

TL:DR—WOWWOWWOWWOW COOOOLLL.

Well, maybe not quite that many wows. Still, I have met a couple of writers whose work I squee over, been listening to some excellent writing by both faculty and participants, and will not only leave this workshop with some good nubbins to develop into stories and essays but have gained quite a few insights into how I plan to develop Netwalking Space, the (probably) final book of the Netwalk Sequence.

So. Some details. Fishtrap happens at the Methodist Camp at Wallowa Lake. Most of the activities take place either in the camp’s lovely A-frame lodge or in instructor cabins. It starts on Sunday afternoon for most participants (Saturday if you are part of the isolated Outpost workshop that’s happening out on Zumwalt Prairie; Thursday if you’re doing the short version, and then there’s a year-long workshop). The program starts on Sunday evening with instructor/class meetups and discussions, then introductory readings. Classes meet every morning from 9-12 and writing happens as part of those classes. Afternoons feature either a presentation or a panel, then open mic readings. Then in the evenings faculty present readings from their works. The faculty are an eclectic mix of poets, essayists, fiction writers, and a book artist.

Based on what I’ve heard in my workshop and in the open mic, the skill level of most participants starts at the intermediate level and runs all the way up to potential instructor material themselves. The ability level of my workshop on the uncanny with Marjorie Sandor is pretty much uniformly high with regard to the use of sensory detail, sentence formation, and idea development. Not all of us write fiction; there are essayists and poets in the group as well. For the first two days, our process has included an in-class writing period and an out-of-class overnight writing assignment. We write, and then we discuss each piece. I’m impressed with how Marjorie handles this group–at thirteen participants, it’s the largest workshop of the whole week-long session. She guides and directs the critiques focused on specific and particular aspects of how the uncanny manifests in our responses to the prompts, with an eye toward getting us to think and process just how to shape those apparitions in our work.

Robert Michael Pyle is giving the keynote speech on Thursday night this year, and I’m looking forward to it. I first fell in love with his work when I read Wintergreen, and I hoped to have the chance to talk to him. Well, not only did I get to talk to him, but he admired the cover of Beyond Honor (he had talked in his reading about how fortunate he was to have pretty covers, so I had to brag on my pretty covers. He did admire Pledges of Honor and Alien Savvy as well). Then, as we discussed my work, he gave me a look and commented on how prolific I was. Definitely a wow moment.

Then, tonight, Erika L. Sánchez read some of her poetry. But I didn’t realize until she was introduced that she was also one of the writers I follow in the Guardian. So after the reading tonight, I had to do a little fangirl squee and tell her how much I loved her work. An unexpected coolness.

But overall, the atmosphere is less likely to impose con glaze quite so quickly (though I think after tomorrow I will be dragging a little), and there’s a lot less intensity with regard to marketing. I’ve enjoyed meeting different types of writers and talking about our different works, and the focus on the writing itself is something I really needed.

There’s more to write about, including some odd encounters on the drive back home tonight. However, I think I will save that for another post…it’s getting late and tomorrow will be here soon enough.

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Fishtrap, day 1.5

The last way you want to start out a week of writing workshop is to wake up at oh-dark-thirty the morning before with a case of food poisoning. Epic though it was, however, once I had paid my respects to the white throne and went back to bed, I was okay other than feeling drug out and tired. Not sure what the cause was, or if it was even just a case of irritable bowel rebelling, but…whatever it was, I was grateful. But I’m still paranoid about food right now. Carbs are my friend, anything fatty or spicy gets eyed with suspicion, and…yeah. Bland is good. Fortunately, the Safeway in Enterprise has dairy-free yogurt, so I was also able to get things settled somewhat.

The other good piece was that formalities at Fishtrap didn’t start until late afternoon so I had plenty of rest and recovery time. So about mid-afternoon, in the face of a driving rainstorm more typical of March than July, I hopped in the Subaru and drove up to the lake.

IMG_1615

Yeah. Shucky darn. My commute for the next week is gonna look like this. Fishtrap happens at the head of Wallowa Lake, in a church camp nestled between two great ridges. This time of year the mock orange is still in bloom, deer prowl the camp, and even when it’s pouring down rain it’s gorgeous. Morning workshops run from 9-12, with afternoon panels and readings, and an evening reading.

This is the first conference I’ve attended where it’s about the writing–actual workshopping rather than a pitch conference or all lectures. It’s also more literary than any other conference I’ve attended before, with much less focus on marketing or self-promotion. Fishtrap’s emphasis is on Writing and the West, so much of the conference focuses on writing that evokes a strong sense of place. I’m doing a workshop on the uncanny with Marjorie Sandor, and so far I’ve found it to be productive. We did an in-class exercise this morning which led organically into a discussion of how physical setting can produce a sense of the uncanny and the meanings of various spaces.

For whatever reason, it often seems that I stumble into craft stuff just when I need it. Right now I’m nibbling at the initial outline, worldbuilding, and planning for Netwalking Space. Much of what we discussed this morning will end up going into shaping what I do with the building blocks for that story. It’s amazing how that works.

Tired now and realizing that I am writing jerky and nonflowing prose. Rather out of pace for a writing conference report, hmm? Oh well. Something is better than nothing.

Onward.

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Miscon

Well, posting about a convention almost exactly a week after it ends isn’t exactly what one would consider a decent con report. Nonetheless, it’s the way life has been rolling, so there. Life has been busy. Did I think things would slow down once I no longer had a steady Day Jobbe and we got moved? Boy, was I mistaken. Granted, most of this is self-imposed, but if anything, our lives are busier and more involved than they were before. So. Busy. Life.

Well, and maybe a touch of con crud when we got back to Enterprise….

Anyway, this year the trip to Miscon did not feature a suicidal deer or a newborn fawn. It did, however, feature some rather epic eagle sightings. We drove from Enterprise to Lewiston and on to Missoula through the Lolo Pass, which meant we followed first the Clearwater River and then the Lochsa River up over the pass. During one curve along the Clearwater, while we were still on the Nez Perce Reservation, a bald eagle curved over the road and back over the river…about 40 feet from my windshield. Sweet.

Further up the pass, I started to notice horse poop on the road, in places where I a.) didn’t see horse pasture nearby and b.) would not consider to be rideable road horse placement on the road. As we ascended the pass, I could see the poop getting fresher and fresher. I started to suspect that we might come around a corner and encounter a horse-drawn wagon. Considering how tight those corners are and how narrow the turns (with big truck loads running over the road, geez, takes me back to the day of big log loads on the Mohawk), I wasn’t too thrilled about encountering a wagon. Fortunately, they were still in camp (we drove by them).

The drive over Lolo is pretty darn gorgeous. There’s lots of trail access from the highway and the rivers were running high enough to support good-sized raft parties. There’s always the opportunity to see wildlife–and on the downhill side, we spotted a spike bull moose hanging out in a swamp.

Miscon this year was in a new hotel, with overflow space into a small park and a couple of downtown facilities. The Clark Fork River runs right behind the hotel, so we still had the meadow and river ambiance…only bigger. Instead of a small handful of food places available, there were some pretty good options within a decent walking distance. Plus a stunning 50s-era building that is both well-preserved and absolutely hilarious in its adherence to 50s-era design. Did I get pictures? Nope. I intended to, but….

The con itself went well. I sold a couple of books, handed some out, and met some cool new people. Somehow the alternative comics panel managed to span everything from the 60s to the present day in one hour, while touching on offshoots affected by alternative/underground comix such as comics/graphic novels in education and literacy, a brief nod to feminism in early underground comix, regional comix, political comix, and the influence of 60s-70s comix on the development of contemporary series such as the Simpsons, Girl Genius, and so on. It was fun but intense.

Our return was nowhere near as dramatic with regard to critter sightings. I did see quite a few swallowtail butterflies hanging out by the road as we drove down the Lochsa in particular, fluttering around certain puddles. The car collected a healthy dose of bugs, and we had a gorgeous view of the hillside above Asotin that was glowing purple from the fresh-bloomed vetch in the late afternoon sun.

So, as always, Miscon was a marvelous time, with marvelous people, and lots of opportunities to meet up with good friends. Already looking forward to next year.

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Beyond Honor release date and cover reveal, plus Birth of Sorrows

So the release date for Beyond Honor is going to be July 1, perhaps sooner but that’s going to be the official date that it will be available on Amazon, Nook, Kobo, Apple iBooks, and etc. I have a lovely cover designed by Roslyn McFarland, and as of yesterday I put down the first 1000 words of the short story that is going to be featured in the Coming Soon pages at the end of Beyond Honor–“Birth of Sorrows,” a short story about the birth of Alicira’s daughter Rekaré, which follows about six months after the events of Beyond Honor.

Here’s the cover:

Beyond Honor front cover

Isn’t it a lovely little thing?

And as for “Birth of Sorrows,” well, that’s a lovely thing as well. Here’s an excerpt:

*************

It could be forgivable to assume that the shimmering of the air over the high mountain ridge’s grassland was nothing more than early summer’s heat. But edgy silence accompanied the flickering air as the midafternoon sun beat down on the broad, flat expanse. No crickets chirped, no hawks screamed. Even the camp of Keldaran and Clendan kinfolk summering on the high ridge lay mute; no children running, the camp herds clustered together, adults doing only what was urgent. Otherwise, they, too, watched as magic spread out from the large mat lodge belonging to their leaders, Heinmyets of Keldara, Inharise of Clenda, and Alicira the Outcast.

A long shriek echoed through the camp. The air on the open flat quavered stronger than ever and the strong, thrumming vibration that announced a God’s impending arrival even to the uninitiated and magicless rolled over the ridge in response to the cry. Another scream burst from the lodge, followed by sobbing gasps for air. Magic thickened around the camp, its heavy hand spreading fear even among the adults so that they signed protections for themselves and their children.

Orlanden en Selail’s fingers itched to pull his bow out of its case as he stood head of the guard around the Leaders’ lodge. He was no stranger to powerful magic, but this high sorcery of the Seven Crowned Gods made his skin prickle as if venomous centipedes were crawling all over him. His normal response to this sensation would be to prepare for a battle.

But not this time. Not when a sorceress of the Miteal gave birth to another sorceress of equal or greater potential power. Alicira the Outcast, exiled though she might be, still carried significant magical power that she had needed to put away during the last part of her pregnancy. Now, with the impending birth of this child, Alicira’s magic rebounded with renewed strength to protect her against the uncontrolled fledging power her daughter would wield in her first breaths.

What was the old saying? When sorceress gives birth to sorceress, the Gods themselves may tremble. Given that the sire of this girl was none other than Zauril the Usurper, a strong and powerful magician with aspirations to join the Seven’s pantheon by overthrowing one of them, there was no doubt in Orlanden’s mind that the Gods were trembling. No doubt that at least one of the Gods, if not all of them, would come to witness her birth.

****************

I’m thinking that I may read from this at MisCon, possibly also a snippet from Beyond Honor. Sound intriguing?

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Bits and pieces as I dive into another busy spell

It all seems to be busy these days, doesn’t it? Between writing and online teaching and a bunch of other stuff, I’ve been buzzing around quite a bit lately. We’re just about equally splitting time between both places while hoping that soon we’ll be able to spend more time in Enterprise. That’s the plan. We’ll see what the reality brings. I should be done with the online work at the end of May. I’m quite pleased with it as I’ve learned a lot about managing online teaching and have developed some opinions about how best to manage it. If everything works out, I’ll be teaching online again next year. It is definitely different pushing high school seniors along–whole dimensions to consider that were not a factor at the middle school level. Still learning and thinking about it.

On the writing front, Beyond Honor is now out to beta readers. Looking at my schedule and what needs to be done, I’m thinking that it will be out in mid-July. Meanwhile, I’ve been rebuilding my spec short story collection. I kind of woke up a few weeks ago and realized that it’s been a couple of years since I’ve added spec stories to my portfolio–most of my new short fiction has either been Netwalk Sequence promos or solicited for small press anthologies. Meanwhile the same handful of stories on the brink of being trunked have been circulating for a while. So it’s time for more spec shorts while I tread through novella rewrites, plot the next novel, and deal with crazybusy times. I don’t want to start a new novel until I’m done with Fishtrap in mid-July, and that includes novella/novelette projects. Beyond Honor turned out to be about 20,000 words more than I anticipated it being, and I’m afraid that Klone’s Folly, Bearing Witness, Becoming Solo, Federation Cowboy, and all the other longer projects I have lying about will develop the same need for expansion.

And then there’s non-writing, non-teaching life.

An unseasonably warm spell has transitioned into more traditional weather for spring, with rain showers and clouds. It’s mud season in Wallowa County. The soil here tends to be rather fine, which is okay during the times of the year when it’s either quite cold or else dry. But during the wet season? Um, well, bring boots and be careful about getting bogged down. Today I went to ride Miss Mocha and decided that the arena was hopelessly muddy, especially since she was slipping a little at the walk. However. There are nice roads around for road riding, and I decided that perhaps this spring was time to get The Girl introduced to that concept. There’s one road system that can be ridden as a big loop around the ranch, most of which is gravel road. I’ve been working on getting Mocha down the road, but for various reasons really didn’t want to do it in winter. Now that it’s spring and there’s no snow or ice, working the road is much more doable.

There is a challenge, however. Mocha goes about half a mile from home and then wants to turn back. But the other day we made it as far as the turnoff to the first gravel road. That day she got rather unsettled by a big German Shepherd barking at her followed by mama cows who were Not Happy about the horse scaring their calves–never mind that the horse in question was also snorting her head off in worry. But I think she got wound up in the whole walking thing and didn’t notice them until she got startled.

Today, I decided that I wanted to go down the highway, hang a left and head up a gravel road to where it connects to the next road in the loop. I was prepared to hop off and walk if need be, because I’ve come to decide that if Mocha digs her toes in, rather than fight it out on blacktop or a road, it’s just smarter to hop off and walk. She will follow. Then I’d keep trying getting back up and riding for a while, then turn after she went forward for a ways.

The strategy worked. I did spend about half the distance on the gravel road getting on and off, and then figured out that perhaps she’d be more comfortable on the other side of the road. That worked for a while. Then, since we were going up a small hill, I backed her for a few steps when she balked. She got tired of that quickly, and soon enough was moving ahead, even if she did emulate a giraffe looking at things occasionally. When we got to the place I had planned to turn around, she accepted a peppermint, then started walking down the next road. I decided to go with it, so we went down that road a ways. Soon enough, I heard a truck behind us, just as I saw two horses galloping hard for a fence corner and what looked like a dog in the road ahead. I decided that was enough, and turned her around to face the UPS truck. She walked home quietly, getting worried a couple of times, but otherwise just marched along quietly, looking at everything.

I think we’ll do it again tomorrow.

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Clam digging, writing, and online teaching

For the past few days I’ve been at a friend’s house in the Coast Range for the clam digging tides at Astoria. We’ve been working on building up a supply of fresh razor clams to keep in the freezer to nosh on the year around for both fried clams and chowder clams. The razors are the most flavorful and tender of the clams available on the Oregon coast, at least in our opinion, and while using the clam gun (a metal tube with a long handle and suction hole) is easier than digging bay clams, it’s still a bit of work. But oh, the flavor…

The other thing I’ve been doing while down on the beach is collecting whole sand dollars and pretty rocks/shells to use for art projects for fall and winter craft shows, combined with lots of leftover bead stuff. I have more beads than I’ll ever use in jewelry for sale, so I’m going to be doing art stuff with them. Crafts will happen in the summer, when I can sit under the pine tree in the shade and work on them.

Meanwhile, I’m still letting Beyond Honor sit and will get back to revisions sometime next week. In the meantime, I’m wrestling with a cozy-type gnome story that is being difficult. I don’t normally do cozy OR gnomes, so that’s part of the problem. But I started this for a theme anthology and sidelined it when other deadlines took precedence. Now it’s time to dust it off and get it finished. The conflicts just seem so small compared to what I usually write. Deep sigh. It counts, it counts, it counts.

I’m also putting in twelve hours a week monitoring PE and Health students working through online classes. It’s been a big learning curve for me, but it’s also been an opportunity to see how this type of teaching operates. I have opinions, but I’m waiting to see how it all shakes out by the end of the term before I say more. I will say, though, that in my opinion this sort of opportunity can be golden for some students but absolutely worthless for others. But we shall see.

At this point, I’m looking forward to the end of clam season and the frequent runs to the Coast (which will become garden runs) and the end of the school year, which will allow me to pick up some more projects. I’m hoping that things will settle down and I can focus even more on writing and editing. Keeping my fingers crossed that life doesn’t throw me any more complications…..

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And…Beyond Honor is done!

Just typed THE END on the first draft of Beyond Honor today. It comes in at about 44,000 words, and didn’t quite end where I anticipated it. I suspect rewrites may blow it up to about 50k, but we shall see how that goes. The last segment was a lot longer than I expected, with Alicira and the god Staul throwing chips to determine what would happen with her, her child, and her magic. That ended up being one heck of a talky session, but there were some mouthy characters who needed to say their piece.

I already know I have continuity things to fix. However I pretty much know what they are, especially if I work backward from the end to lay the breadcrumbs for the finish.

Whew. As I said before, this was a story that was over forty years in the making. I first thought of the Goddess’s Honor world when I was fourteen, and had started wrestling with this aspect of the story in a writers group twenty-five years ago. Back then it wouldn’t have worked as conceived, but without that foundation I don’t think I could have taken the framework in hand and shaped it into the story I finished today.

Now to do other stuff, and tomorrow I start doing something about the short story inventory, which is pathetic, sad, and in need of growth.

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Sometimes you forage; sometimes you don’t

Now that the domoic acid levels are down in razor clams on the Hammond beach, we’ve gotten back to hunting down razor clams when the tides are low. You’d think that after almost a year of no harvest, you’d be able to dig a limit of clams in under an hour, easy.

Um. Well. We’ve only dug the warm morning spring tides before now. These days we’re taking advantage of the late afternoon tides (morning tides happen in April), and that is entirely different. Especially in a blustery, stormy March. Oh, the clammies are there. We watch the pros digging in the surf and they’re doing well. But for our level and experience? We’re still learning.

Part of that is the mystery of clam shows. Clams appear to be particular about wind and rain, and don’t show as well unless you’re equipped to get out in the surf and forage there. During a tidal cycle, it’s usually possible to go without seeing anything until all of a sudden you can’t turn without seeing clam sign. Not this cycle, this blustery, wild, stormy March. Monday was the best day, where we got a limit between the three of us digging. But we had to watch the surf, the waves not retreating down the beach as far as they would normally. On the other hand, I foraged up some huge sand dollars and cockle shells to be used for various art projects. I’m thinking that perhaps a mobile or two might be just the thing to consider. Heck, if I can only find where I stashed the shell collection I’d have the makings of some fun art projects.

But it was annoying. I’d spot one, two, classic clam shows and get to digging. But I never saw more than three at one time, and it was rough at that.

Tuesday was cold and stormy but the waves cooperated, retreating properly down the beach. But finding clam sign was even more challenging at this point. The wind and rain were enough to drive us back into the rig with frozen hands, and that was in full rain gear.

Today, we looked outside the house windows at the storm raging outside and decided to check the weather report. When we saw the report of near-hurricane force winds, we decided that perhaps the afternoon was best spent on other pursuits. So the guys went off to pursue equipment for irrigating the huge truck garden we’re going to grow this summer as well as seeds. I finished a phone staff meeting for the short-term Day Jobbe, then set up my Payhip account and posted two books. Then I went to work on a short story for a theme anthology.

Productive day all around. Yeah, I didn’t necessarily get a huge word count. But I hammered through some issues with the short story and I think it is better for it. It’s a revision of an older story that didn’t sell, change of tense, change of some plot elements to fit a theme…yeah, it’s working better.

Onward.

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Juggling, juggling…

It seems like a lot of what I’m doing lately is muttering about being hit with a bunch of stuff going on. Well, I guess it’s pretty true. Some of it is good stuff. I’ve got a couple of side gigs going with my old school district–one is performing diagnostic academic assessments to cover for a teacher who left midyear. That takes up a week out of the month, but I’m back in the groove and feeling good about it. The other side gig is teaching online PE and Health at an alternative school setting for three half days a week. I’m learning new methodologies and figuring out stuff. That’s fun.

But it takes energy away from writing. Sigh.

And then the son has had some health issues, and that has involved more time in PDX. I’m having problems being creative there, and some of it is just energy drain from figuring out how to manage the work, plus not being aggressive about carving out my writing space.

Then the horse is showing bruising on her toes. It doesn’t show from her movement, which is good, but it’s worrisome. We’re now limited to walk-trot work as a result.

Ah well. On the way back from Portland yesterday, we took a new road from Umatilla to Athena. I got to see some of the landscape of Beyond Honor and think about it a little bit, as well as have some soul-searching conversations with the husband about some things I’ve been turning over in my brain.

Part of the issue is that I just don’t have it in me to burn the candle at both ends for my art. I remember the days when I did that–getting up at 4:30 am to write before leaving the house at 6 to get to work by 7. I’d edit stuff at lunch, then come home and work some more at night. I kept that up for about four years, until the work started falling apart because of the economy. While I’m grateful for that era, because it taught me what I could and couldn’t do when faced with a deadline–I’m now reluctant to put myself through it for what minimal reward I got for those years of hard work. Yeah, I sold work. But nothing big happened. Lightning stubbornly avoided striking me, except for a couple of consolation prizes. I know folks who did the same thing and got lots of return for it. Awards, book sales, big contracts.

Me? Not much.

If it sounds like I’m in a down mood about the writing and the production, well, yeah, I am. I don’t see many breaks on the horizon, and when I try to promote, it just doesn’t seem to come out right.

March. Arrrgh. I’m sure things will look better in the morning.

But damn, it would be nice to get a breakthrough on the writing. The teaching side gigs are a new way to approach the work, but…it’s not really where my heart is. I could probably build up a consulting practice if I chose to put the work into it, but for what? Who really benefits? I’m satisfied with what I’m doing now, and yeah, if I could find about this level of work on a predictable basis, I’d go for it.

However…if the writing ever kicked up the equivalent reward, I’d drop the teaching side gigs in a heartbeat.

I’m just getting more and more cynical about it ever happening, absent a lot of investment of cash into workshops and other networking opportunities, and not even then. My track record for such things is depressively unproductive. For whatever reason I seem to be connection-blind.

I dunno. Just one of those nights when I’m questioning and frustrated. Oh well. It will pass. I know these moods.

Just wish…I don’t know.

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